Reflection
by Marcus Absent
Summary: It's just a day in the life of Eric Cartman, but something isn't quite right. Or maybe several somethings...Rated T for swearing. One-shot series.
1. Original Oneshot

**Here's a story that's been brewing in my head for awhile, and it FINALLY turned into this one-shot. I really have no idea if this is any good, so please review and let me know.**

* * *

Eric Cartman had combed his hair, put on his best shoes, and tightened his belt to try and look slimmer. It didn't do that much good, but hopefully it would be enough.

Today was the day. All or nothing. He had finally worked up the courage to ask Wendy out.

As they waited at the bus stop, he asked the other boys how they thought he looked, just to get their opinion. Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski just laughed at him like they always did, Kenny McCormick really did try to look like he cared, but he involuntarily turned up his nose at Cartman's getup. Cartman sighed.

_Why do I hang out with these guys_? he thought. He tried so hard to be their friend, and they did nothing but ridicule him. Kenny at least had social status as an excuse, but Stan and Kyle just did it to be mean. But even though they all made fun of him, they insisted on keeping him around, like he was their bitch or something.

The bus pulled up, and the boys got on. Ms. Crabtree greeted them warmly, and they all took their seats. Cartman ended up sitting next to Clyde Donovan, if only to get away from Stan and Kyle for a few minutes. Then again, Clyde wasn't much better.

"Hey, fat boy! Want to see a cool trick?" Clyde asked.

It was pretty rich for Clyde to call Cartman fat, since Clyde wasn't exactly skinny himself. But Cartman decided not to bring that up. "Sure, Clyde?"

"Say, 'I won a Math Debate' really fast," Clyde snickered.

Knowing Clyde, it was probably going end being something embarrassing. But Clyde just pulled pranks to be funny; he wasn't mean like Stan and Kyle.

So Cartman obliged him. "Iwonamathdebate." And immediately, everyone on the bus burst out laughing.

Cartman joined in. "That was a good one, Clyde."

"Thanks. It's cool that you have a good sense of humor about these things," Clyde admitted, patting Cartman on the back.

"Oh, please," Stan snorted. "You wouldn't believe how annoying it is." Kyle nodded in agreement.

"Aw, you guys need to lighten up," Clyde insisted. "You could learn a thing or two from your fat friend here."

Cartman grinned. At least Clyde wasn't quite as mean.

* * *

"What do you mean, recess has been cancelled?" Stan demanded. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"I never joke," Jimmy Valmer said gruffly. "I'm just relaying what Coach Mackey told me."

"So, no recess," Clyde frowned. "What do you think, Craig?"

Craig Tucker jumped. "What? What're you asking me for?"

Clyde shrugged. "Just wondering what your opinion was. No need to get all defensive."

Craig shivered. "Well, actually, I heard-" he paused and looked around to see if anyone else was listening "-that Professor Chaos struck again last night."

"Huh? What about Professor Chaos?" Butters Stotch walked up, looking nervous.

"Wait, that's why we don't get a recess?" Stan said incredulously. "Because of Professor fucking Chaos?"

"Yeah. He attacked the Bennigans'," Craig continued. By now a small crowd had started to gather in the hallway. "He poisoned all the soup, so that everyone who got the soup died instantly. Then he killed the rest of them with his laser vision."

Kyle raised his eyebrow. "He killed all of them?"

"Yeah," Craig said.

"Then how did anybody know what happened?" Kyle finished. Stan burst out laughing.

Craig just gaped with shock. "I-I...I just...I h-heard that-"

"Ijustheardthatmehmehmeh," Stan mocked. "Grow up. Professor Chaos is just a myth, used by the media to scare people. 'Don't go out at night, or Professor Chaos will get you,' and that sort of thing."

"Oh, he's real, fellas," Butters said.

"Oh yeah?" Kyle asked, raising his eyebrow. "How do you know? Have you ever seen him?"

"Yep!" Butters said. Everyone gasped. Cartman himself was just as shocked as the rest of them. Usually, Professor Chaos left no witnesses alive (or at least, so the rumors went), so it was naturally possible that these stories could be exaggerated or even just made up. But if Butters had actually seen him...

"Well, I actually didn't see him, but Tweek did," Butters said. "Go on, tell them, Tweek."

"Well, it was about a month ago, and Butters and I had just gotten finished delivering my dad's dairy shipment to the grocery store," Tweek began in his very even tone. "Then we saw the Underpants Gnomes."

"Underpants Gnomes?" Token asked.

"You know, the gnomes who go around giving people new pairs of underwear? Anyway, Butters offered to go and buy us all some ice cream. After he left, Professor Chaos came out of nowhere and killed all the gnomes with a machine gun. Then he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Run if you want to live." So I got as far away as I could. Butters caught up with me a few minutes later."

"Weren't you scared, Tweek?" Cartman said.

Tweek shrugged. "It's always best to keep calm under pressure. Drinking warm milk always helps me."

"Yeah, that's true," Stan commented. "It also makes you about as interesting as a lump of shit." Tweek gave no reaction as usual.

"But guys," Craig said. "if Chaos is real, then he might come and kill us, too!"

"Oh stop whining, Craig," Kyle snapped. "He's not going to come and kill anybody. And even if he were, that stuff only happens to other people. Nothing interesting ever happens to us, so we should be safe."

"Um, actually," Cartman said, "There was that one time that-"

"Shut up, fatass," Kyle interrupted. "We're not talking about that."

"Yeah. Although," Stan said, turning back to Craig, "to us, _you_ would be considered 'other people.' So Professor Chaos...might...come...to get..."

"_YOU!_" Clyde shouted from behind Craig, who jumped about a foot in the air. "Hahaha! You should have seen the look on your face!"

"Stop it, guys!" Craig wailed. Then he ran off, scared out of his wits.

"Jesus, that guy needs to get some thicker skin," Clyde said. "He lets too much bother him."

"Should I offer him some milk?" Tweek asked. Clyde nodded, and the two of them walked off.

"Are you guys still talking about Prof. Chaos?" Kenny said, having just walked up. He shook his head disapprovingly.

"Hey, don't act all high and mighty on us, Mr. I've-Never-Had-A-Girlfriend-In-My-Life," Jimmy snarled.

"I told you, I'm waiting for the right girl," Kenny said, with his nose in the air. He continued on his way.

"Right girl, my ass," Jimmy said. "There isn't a girl in the world who would meet his ridiculous standards." Cartman had to agree.

"Well, what would you expect from the guy who bought his own theme park?" Stan growled.

"I think someone should teach that snob a lesson," Butter said softly.

"Yeah, and who's that going to be, Butters? You?" Kyle laughed.

Butters frowned. "Just you wait..."

* * *

"And that concludes our lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill," Mr. Garrison announced. "Tomorrow, we'll get started on Valley Forge."

Cartman packed up his books. It was a good thing that they had such a good teacher, or everyone's grades would really be slipping. Mr. Garrison would get them through this.

There was Wendy, flirting with Clyde. That made Cartman feel even more nervous about asking her, but the last period of the day had just ended. It was now or never.

"Thinking about asking that bitch out? You'll be sorry." Cartman turned and saw Stan glaring at him.

"Actually, I was, and you really shouldn't call her a bitch. It's rude," Cartman pointed out.

"So?" Stan shrugged. "Why should I care? She's a slut." Seeing Cartman about to get even more defensive, Stan said, "Not a real slut, obviously. I mean, she'll go out with anyone, so even if you do get her on a date, it won't mean anything. And if she rejects you, you'll just be even _more_ of a loser."

"It never hurts to try," Cartman said.

"I think Kyle could probably prove that statement wrong."

Kyle? "She's going out with Kyle?"

"This week? Yeah, that's what I heard," Stan said.

_Kyle...that could change things a bit._ "But she's flirting with Clyde?"

"It's just like I said. She's. A. Slut," Stan said. "Besides, Clyde is at least cool enough that Kyle wouldn't mind losing Wendy to him. It's not like he cares _that_ much about her. But he sure wouldn't want to lose her to someone like you. So, like I said, if you ask her, you'll be screwed no matter what happens. And not in a good way."

Cartman gulped. This could be really bad. Still, he had resolved to ask her, and so that was what he would do. Damn the consequences!

He walked up to Wendy. "Hey, can I talk to you for a second?"

Wendy giggled. "Sure," she said, pushing Clyde out of the way. He stormed off in a huff.

Cartman took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing_. "I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me tonight." Then, noticing that Wendy was busy admiring her nails, he repeated himself a little louder. "I said, I want to go on a date with you tonight."

"Tonight?" Wendy frowned. "What time?"

"About 6, I guess."

Wendy sighed. "Oh, I couldn't make it for 6. I've got dinner with Kyle at 5, and that's sure to last two hours. Then I'm going to Stark's Pond with Jimmy at 7; he's so romantic, don't you think? And then a late-night ice cream date with Butters."

"Butters?" Cartman couldn't believe it. _Even Butters?_

"Yeah, I thought it was so sweet when he asked me. But I might be available tomorrow night, as long as you don't mind going after the school. I always wanted to hear Timmy recite Macbeth; he's so eloquent and dreamy."

Cartman knew that Wendy wasn't the most ideal girl to fall in love with, but she was definitely the one he had a crush on. But now, he just felt sick to his stomach. "Never mind," he muttered politely, and walked away.

"Hey," Wendy pouted. "You can't just ask me on a date and then get cold feet! Meanie!"

But Cartman didn't hear her. He was already running home.

* * *

Cartman managed to outrun the Marsh's psychotic dog all the way to his house. After what had happened with Wendy, he was feeling rather depressed.

Mr. McElroy was just leaving, presumably conducting his visits around town. He noticed Cartman and waved.

"Hey there, kid," he called out. "How's it going?"

Cartman shrugged. "Bad, I guess."

McElroy cocked his head, "Oh really? What's so bad about it?"

"Chef, I don't know what to do. I try to be nice to everyone, but no one's ever nice to me. I ask out the girl of my dreams, and she doesn't take me seriously at all. And above all, why can't South Park be a place filled with crazy adventures every week, instead of a town that's really boring, other than constantly being terrorized by a supervillain? Why can't we live in a better world?"

McElroy blinked, as if unsure of where to begin. "First of all, young man, I'm not a chef; I don't even like cooking. Why do you and all the other kids insist on calling me 'Chef?'"

"I don't know, Chef," Cartman said, then covered his mouth as he realized he had done it again. "I mean, it just sort of feels natural."

McElroy groaned. "And another thing, why is it that you kids are always coming to me with your problems? I'm not a wizard; I'm just a salesman. Don't you have parents to talk to about this? I don't know why I try to ask you kids a simple question when all you do is unload all your woes on me." Then he angrily back in his car and drove off.

Cartman sighed. "Yeah, I _did_ like the other Chef better."

"What was that about the other Chef?" Cartman turned and saw Stan and Kyle. Kyle punched him in the face. "We told you not to talk about that, you fat fuck!"

"Don't worry you guys," Cartman said, wiping blood out of his beard. "I wouldn't tell anyone about it. I was just dreaming of living there. Where the people were nice and peaceful."

"Well, you'll just have to get used to the idea of living here," Stan said. "No matter what alternate universe you may want to wind up in, you're going to stay here and do what we say. Besides, even if you did tell someone, they wouldn't believe you; people around here are too smart for that."

"I know that, guys," Cartman said, smiling.

"Oh yeah," Kyle punched him again, this time in the stomach. Cartman keeled over. "That's for speaking to my girlfriend!"

Cartman stood up with difficulty, clutching his chest in pain. "I'm deeply sorry, Kyle. I won't do it again. Have a nice day."

"Yeah, fuck you," Stan said, flipping him off. Then he and Kyle walked away.

Not for the first time, Cartman's thoughts drifted to the other Stan and Kyle. The ones who didn't beards and were actually nice. And the Kenny who was poor and humble instead of snobbish. And the world where animals didn't always try to kill you.

"Come back here!"

Cartman turned and saw Kenny running for his life down the sidewalk. There was a man in a teal and silver mask and cape running after him, whom Cartman could only assume was Professor Chaos. Chaos was holding a machine gun and shooting wildly, but Kenny remained unhurt.

"Why won't you die?" Chaos yelled.

"Maybe you're just a lousy shot," Kenny retorted as the two of them raced off into the distance.

Cartman shook his head.

"Oh, why did you have to send me back here?" he whispered.

* * *

**Okay, reader, out of curiosity, did I surprise you? Or was it really obvious?**

**Since everyone was purposefully out of character, this was pretty tough to write. So hopefully it turned out okay.**

**It recently occurred to me that it might be fun to see the "Mirror" version of certain episodes, so I may write those later and publish them here. It won't be a real multi-chapter, but it might become a series of short one-shots, depending on how popular it is.**

**See ya'll!**


	2. Toothache

**I already asked my Death Note readers this, but I wanted to let you guys know as well.**

**The new poll on my profile is which story do you all want me to work on after THAT. Repeat, after "The Secret Rule" (now at 8 chapters, projected to be between 15 and 20 chapters), "It Began with a Question" (will be 9 chapters), "Star Trek: Renegade, Episode 1" (about 5 chapters), and "One of Them" (about 5 chapters as well) are all finished. The choices include:**

**"Josh" (South Park), a parody of a certain 2001 movie (big South Park fans could probably figure it out if they really thought about it).**

**"To Be the Best" (Death Note), chronicling the events of Mello's life after he leaves Wammy's House.**

**"The Love of the Gods" (Percy Jackson), chronicling Luke, Thalia, and Annabeth on their original journey to Camp Half Blood.**

**and "The Heirs of Roku" (Avatar: The Last Airbender), which will tell the story of what happened to Zuko's mother.**

**So please vote for whichever of these stories you want to see the most (although, as I said, it will still be a while).**

**And now, for my first real Evil universe episode, "Toothache."**

* * *

Cartman barely had time to react as the satelite came crashing down from orbit. Fortunately, he wasn't the one who had to dodge.

"Wow, Kenny, that was a close one," he remarked.

"Yeah," Kenny replied, brushing a few dust particles off of his jacket.

Cartman shook his head. That guy was just untouchable. If he had been where Kenny was standing, he would have probably been crushed. But Kenny either had really good reflexes, instincts or just incredible luck. Or all three.

Nothing else happened that day, October 30th. The boys went to school as usual, and government agents came to take the satelite away. But what they didn't know was that the satelite was carrying a very potent space virus.

* * *

The next day, the boys all showed up at the bus stop in their Halloween costumes.

"What are you supposed to be, Kenny?" Stan asked.

"I'm a zombie," Kenny said, and made a face, trying to imitate a zombie.

"But, you don't have a costume," Kyle pointed out. "You're wearing the same thing thing you always wear. You could have just worn something a little torn up; that would have been more convincing."

"I don't have any torn clothes," Kenny said.

Stan slapped his forehead. "Kenny, you could have bought some clothes that were already torn up, and it wouldn't put a dent in your allowance. In fact, you probably have enough money to buy a working, full scale replica of the ED-209 from _RoboCop_, and used that as your costume."

Kenny turned up his nose. "Who would want to dress up as something from _RoboCop_? That movie is retarded."

"Hey, guys," Cartman piped up. "Let's not be overly critical of Kenny's costume choice. We should be more supportive of each other. For instance, Stan, I really like your...um...bear costume."

Stan nearly exploded. "Bear? I'm Chewbacca, you fucking idiot!"

"But I thought you were going as Raggedy Andy," Kyle said. "Isn't that what you told Wendy the other day? Then she would dress up as Raggedy Ann and you two would be a match. That way, you two would win the costume contest."

"I just told her that so she would show up in a ridiculous costume, and get laughed at," Stan said. "No contest judge would pick Raggedy Ann and Andy anyway. Besides, who would want to wear matching costumes with Wendy?"

"That's true," Kenny snorted. "And Kyle, you're..."

Cartman didn't know why Kenny seemed to be hesitating. It seemed pretty obvious from the uniform who Kyle was supposed to be.

"I'm Adolf Hitler," Kyle said. "_Seig heil! Seig heil!_" he saluted, to not one in particular.

There was a moment of silence. "Dude, that's messed up," Kenny finally muttered. "Aren't you Jewish?"

"Just because my family is doesn't mean I am," Kyle snapped. "I don't need their brainwashing religion."

"Kyle, you really should be more tolerant of your family's beliefs, and not hate them just because you happen to disagree," Cartman pointed out.

"What? Do you like Jews, Cartman?" Kyle asked.

Knowing full well he would get beaten up for saying it, Cartman said, "I try to be respectful of all people."

One black eye later...

"Still feeling respectful, fatass?"

"Yes."

Another black eye later...

"Thanks, Kyle, that'll make a great addition to my costume."

Kyle frowned. "Why, what are you supposed to be?"

Cartman smiled. "I wore this white shirt and black pants so I could be a panda, but I couldn't find any black makeup. Now, I don't need any."

Kyle blinked. With that outfit and those two black eyes, the fatass really did look like a panda. Well, shit...

* * *

_Meanwhile, elsewhere in South Park..._

The doctor sighed. This was the third patient today that had come in complaining of a toothache. As soon as he examined them, he could tell that their teeth were changing shape...sharpening...and it was happening to so many people...

It was almost like the whole town were becoming vampires. But of course that was impossible.

* * *

Upon arriving at school, the boys were even more surprised than the doctor was.

Kyle gaped in shock. "What? Everyone dressed as Hitler?"

It wasn't quite everyone, Cartman noted, but it was at least ten people. More than one might have expected.

"Another one?" Garrison sighed. "Well, go ahead and sit down." He didn't look too happy about all of his students' outfits.

Wendy was one of the few who wasn't dressed as Hitler. But her costume also looked rather familiar.

"Oh yay!" she cheered, hugging Stan. "You dressed as Chewbacca, too! Now we still match!"

"Uh, yeah," Stan muttered, trying to hide his shock and disgust. 'How come you chose Chewbacca?"

"I knew the judges wouldn't be able to resist such a popular Star Wars character," Wendy giggled. "And it looks like you thought the same thing. I knew that great minds thought alike!"

Stan looked too angry to even speak, but Wendy didn't seem to notice. Cartman looked around the room at the rest of the class. "What are you supposed to be, Token?" he asked.

Token chuckled. "I'm a ghost, obviously."

Cartman thought his costume looked suspiciously like something else, and judging from the frustration on the teacher's face, he thought the same thing. "Token, I told you that your costume is offensive," Garrison said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Token insisted, but Cartman could tell the redneck boy was smiling underneath his white hood. He knew what he was doing. "Besides," he said, "you didn't make all the Hitlers go change."

_Yeah_, Cartman thought,_ but it wasn't for lack of trying, I'll bet._

"Uh, Mr. Garrison," Clyde interrupted, "I don't feel so good.

"What is it, Clyde?"

"My tooth hurts really bad. I think I need to go see the nurse."

"Alright, go ahead," Garrison said.

* * *

By the time the evening rolled around, Stan was thoroughly pissed off. Wendy had stuck to him like glue practically all day, and he disliked her more than pretty much anyone else in the whole school. More than Cartman, and that was saying something. Even winning the costume contest hadn't cheered him up, because he had to share the prize with Wendy.

Then, when Wendy had asked to join them for trick-or-treat, Stan finally put his foot down. "No, you can't come with me to get candy, you stupid, self-centered, stuck-up, annoying, BITCH!" Wendy had run off crying.

"Don't you think that was a bit harsh?" Cartman asked. Stan looked rather unapologetic.

"Uh, guys? It looks like there's something wrong here..." Kenny said.

"What do you mean?" asked Kyle.

"I mean, there's a bunch of people walking around with pale white skin, dark cloaks, and pointed teeth. The whole town is filled with vampires!"

"Hey, you're right!" Cartman said. "We need to get out of here!"

They would have all run home, to try and forget the whole thing, but a large group of the vampires blocked their way. They ran to the nearest house they could find, with the bloodthirsty undead hot on their tail.

"You guys get help," Stan said. "Kenny, you and I will hold them off." He grabbed a loose fence post from the yard, and stabbed the first vampire in the chest. The vampire fell to the ground.

"C'mon, you fuckers!" Stan yelled. Cartman had thought Stan trying to fight the vampires was uncharacteristically noble, but now it looked like he was just enjoying it. Then he noticed that Wendy was at the back of the group. She was dressed all in black, and her skin was pale.

"So she's a vampire, too, huh?" Stan said, smiling. "I guess that means I'll get to pay her back the painful way." He stabbed his way through the vampires, making his way to the back of the group.

Cartman tried to yell for Stan to be careful, but then he and Kyle finally reached the doorbell.

Mr. McElroy opened the door. "What is it?" He had on an Elvis costume.

"Chef, there's a bunch of vampires in town, and they're trying to kill us!" Cartman screamed.

"There you kids go with that 'Chef' thing again," McElroy snapped. "That's not my name. And those aren't vampires, they're just trick-or-treaters."

"No, Chef, they're all over town."

"Being a vampire is popular this year, I guess," McElroy said. "See, that 'vampire' over there is just getting candy." He pointed across the street, where Clyde, who was dressed just like a vampire, was getting Candy from the Stotches. He seemed to be perfectly normal. Checking all the other houses, all the kids dressed as vampires were just acting like kids.

_So, they're not vampires?_

"Then, what about those contagious toothaches that were going around?" Kyle asked. "At least a dozen kids in class had to go see the nurse."

'Well, they're just toothaches," McElroy explained. "I got one, too, and the doctor said it was some virus, which weakens the enamel on your teeth and makes them look pointed. See?" He smiled, and Cartman could see that his teeth did look pointed, and he certainly wasn't acting like a vampire. "Naturally, that makes your teeth hurt. But he's making an antidote, and he should have everyone healed up in a few days."

So everyone really just has a toothache? But that meant-

"Stan! Stop! They aren't really vampires! They're just in costume!"

Stan froze. He was right in front of Wendy. She smiled. "You like my vampire costume? My teeth looked kind of pointed, so my dad suggested I go as a vampire. But this costume is stupid; it doesn't look anything like those real vampires from Twilight."

Stan sighed. Well, she was definitely acting like herself. Now he didn't have an excuse to drive a stake into her heart. Rats.

Then he looked back at the pile of dead kids behind him. "Oh, fuck."

* * *

So Stan was quickly arrested for killing a bunch of innocent trick-or-treaters. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny just sat dumbfounded as he was hauled away screaming.

"What are we going to do, guys?" Cartman asked bleakly.

Kyle shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to start a rumor that Cartman's mom is on the cover of 'Crack Whore Magazine.' Does that sound like fun, Kenny?"

"It sure does," Kenny smiled.

Cartman squirmed uncomfortably. "Guys, come on. I know that's not true-" but Kyle and Kenny had already run off.

Oh well, some things never change. But seriously, what would he do? One of his best friends was in prison for murder. That wasn't the sort of thing that just becomes undone, with everyone forgetting about the whole thing. Like a universal reset button.

Was it?

* * *

**Let me know what you guys thought of my alternative to "Pinkeye." If I get enough positive feedback, I just might do more of these from time to time.**


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